I wanted to title this post: What it’s like to be 27 and not settling down. I didn’t want to though because this implies that I am perhaps not in a happy relationship or that I am not on a good life path or whatever. Most days I am 100% happy with the way things are, I do not regret my decision to stay in school until I achieve the top degree from this awesome school (Penn State) in a very cool and atypical field (Acoustics). I don’t regret picking up and moving to France for 80+% of the last two years. But it does get to me sometimes to see my friends and family members moving on, building lives, dreaming, planning and here I am, somewhat stuck.
I suppose that’s what a taste of travel will give you, an insatiable need for more.
I come back to Penn State after such a long time away and a realization is that a location holds a place in your heart often times because of the people. not necessarily the buildings or anything concrete (see what I did there…) it’s the ambiance created by those around you. For me, it is no longer the same here. Talk about a reason to stick around France even more! Many of my friends have graduated or left the area. The things about this
city town that made me love it (well like it a lot, haha) have all but vanished. Makes it hard to want to stick around, to stay motivated to work hard when there wont be any play hard since your peeps aren’t around. I was thinking, maybe that’s what it’s like to move to a new place, but no, not at all. I did that in France and I just met new people. Made memories with those people and now Marseille is what it is because of them too. But here. My memories are tied to people and now I feel empty.
On the other side of things, recently, many of my friends are having babies, getting married and I am so so very happy for them. But there is a small part of my heart that misses the way things were. Slumber parties, us time. I miss being able to call when I needed to cry. The things that I wanted to cry about today didn’t seem worthy of a call all about me when there are so many more important, perhaps pressing things going on in my “grown-up” friends’ lives. It seems so trivial for me to complain. What do I have to complain about? I don’t have a mortgage, children, etc… I am by no means ready to be one of these grown-ups but I also don’t like being left behind in this whole life thing. There are certain times where it is unbearable to think how different things are for me compared to my closest friends. I want to be there for these amazing life moments and I wasn’t and I can’t promise that I will be from here on out. I don’t know where I will eventually end up but I can’t see myself being one of those settling down girls. But such a large part of my Kentucky upbringing taught me that this is something we all do. Go to school, get a great job, get married, buy a house in a place you’ll live forever, have kids and live happily ever after 😀 Sounds fantastic! Kind of. I feel restless just thinking about it.
I want my own type of happiness but I am afraid that those closest to me will not be able to follow, that I will lose some of them along the way (friendship-wise, interest in each others lives-wise). This worries me.
When people ask me about my graduation plans, career plans I wasn’t too worried about the answers I would give … “oh, that’s far from now. I have no idea” which was okay because “you have PLENTY of time!”. Now, with perhaps just a little over 1.5 years until I could receive my final diploma and head on out to grown-up life I have to start asking myself more seriously, what do you want? What do you want to be, where do you want to be … who do you want to be? And the what-ifs are creeping in, “what if you don’t like your career”, “what if you make a wrong move somewhere” and the worst: “What if after all this time in school, all of the hours of studying, the tears and worries, stresses, achievements, moments of pride, moments of doubt, happy memories, choices … what if you still aren’t where you want to be, who you want to be, what you want to be????”
(( I definitely posted something like this recently. I just realized. wow.)
Needless to say folks, I had a rough day. None of these questions have been answered and I know they won’t be any time soon. I just needed to vent a little since, sadly and pitifully I will say, I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to right now.
I will sort it all out. I know I will. and this little moment of self pity will pass. But it always is better to come back in and read these types of posts after it all works out, right? Well bookmark it now, Whit, see you in 1.5 years. You’ll make it.